Fear

I decided long ago that my priority in life is God and the pursuit of knowing Him, whatever that means. I am discovering that fear often takes over my decision making abilities. On the flip side, I am a passionate guy who goes all out or not at all. I believe that if something is worth doing, then I am going to give it all I got. If something isn't worth doing, I'm simply not going to do it. This has sometimes made my marriage difficult. I will decide that I am going to get involved in something, then I'll spend money and time I don't have on whatever it is I decided I'm going to do. I have spent too much money on things I don't even use anymore. For example, I spent about $150 on a bowling ball, a bowling ball bag, and bowling shoes, which I used for about two months and haven't touched since. I was into MMA, so I bought some nice MMA shorts, which I still wear because they are the most comfortable shorts in the world, some great MMA gloves, training gloves, mouthpiece, and a membership to the Grappler's Lair where I trained sometimes 5 days a week. Don't get me wrong, I had a blast getting beat up everyday, and met some good friends and got the chance to injure a cop, but this was all wants and desires rather than needs. Anyways, having decided that the pursuit of God is number one in my life, I am moving my two kids and pregnant wife to a suburb of Houston where I will hopefully learn a little bit about how to start a church. As soon as I have a good grasp on it, or after I've been there a year and a half, I will move my wife and three children half way around the world to a land we've never been to with people we don't know in order to learn as much as I can about God. The biggest difference between pursuing God and pursuing my own little interests, is that pursuing God has the authority to change everything. As I pursue God, I am willing to go where I need to go, do what I need to do, and change what I need to change all for the benefit of knowing Him more. As I pursue wants and desires, they do not have the authority to move my family, impoverish me, set me up for failure, or take away from my end goal in life, "To glorify God by enjoying Him forever." Not to say that this always happens perfectly. Being a selfish person, I naturally seek my own gain rather than the gain of the God I am seeking to know more. I constantly have to confess to God my lack of single-mindedness, and must take hold of the grace He has freely given me through the cross of Jesus the Christ.
Anyways, fear creeps in constantly in this journey to God-closeness, and I have to remind myself again and again how much He loves me and how He is molding my life into Christlikeness. I have to remember that even though circumstances might be difficult at the time, God is still here and still loves me and will finish the good work He begun in me. I am scared of moving to a country that is not my own. I am afraid of failure in another part of the world and no means of getting home. I am afraid of my own lack of faithfulness in this journey. I am fearful of being hated by people. I am terrified that in my own pursuit of God, I will unknowingly put my children in an unsafe place and something will happen to them.
I have to remind myself that God has called me to Himself and has a plan for my life and it is not for my bad, but His good.