Fear

I decided long ago that my priority in life is God and the pursuit of knowing Him, whatever that means. I am discovering that fear often takes over my decision making abilities. On the flip side, I am a passionate guy who goes all out or not at all. I believe that if something is worth doing, then I am going to give it all I got. If something isn't worth doing, I'm simply not going to do it. This has sometimes made my marriage difficult. I will decide that I am going to get involved in something, then I'll spend money and time I don't have on whatever it is I decided I'm going to do. I have spent too much money on things I don't even use anymore. For example, I spent about $150 on a bowling ball, a bowling ball bag, and bowling shoes, which I used for about two months and haven't touched since. I was into MMA, so I bought some nice MMA shorts, which I still wear because they are the most comfortable shorts in the world, some great MMA gloves, training gloves, mouthpiece, and a membership to the Grappler's Lair where I trained sometimes 5 days a week. Don't get me wrong, I had a blast getting beat up everyday, and met some good friends and got the chance to injure a cop, but this was all wants and desires rather than needs. Anyways, having decided that the pursuit of God is number one in my life, I am moving my two kids and pregnant wife to a suburb of Houston where I will hopefully learn a little bit about how to start a church. As soon as I have a good grasp on it, or after I've been there a year and a half, I will move my wife and three children half way around the world to a land we've never been to with people we don't know in order to learn as much as I can about God. The biggest difference between pursuing God and pursuing my own little interests, is that pursuing God has the authority to change everything. As I pursue God, I am willing to go where I need to go, do what I need to do, and change what I need to change all for the benefit of knowing Him more. As I pursue wants and desires, they do not have the authority to move my family, impoverish me, set me up for failure, or take away from my end goal in life, "To glorify God by enjoying Him forever." Not to say that this always happens perfectly. Being a selfish person, I naturally seek my own gain rather than the gain of the God I am seeking to know more. I constantly have to confess to God my lack of single-mindedness, and must take hold of the grace He has freely given me through the cross of Jesus the Christ.
Anyways, fear creeps in constantly in this journey to God-closeness, and I have to remind myself again and again how much He loves me and how He is molding my life into Christlikeness. I have to remember that even though circumstances might be difficult at the time, God is still here and still loves me and will finish the good work He begun in me. I am scared of moving to a country that is not my own. I am afraid of failure in another part of the world and no means of getting home. I am afraid of my own lack of faithfulness in this journey. I am fearful of being hated by people. I am terrified that in my own pursuit of God, I will unknowingly put my children in an unsafe place and something will happen to them.
I have to remind myself that God has called me to Himself and has a plan for my life and it is not for my bad, but His good.

Confession

I had the awesome pleasure of hearing one of my spiritual heros present a great talk on his new book, "God Next Door." The book, and his personal philosophy on ministry, is all about seeing your neighbourhood as a place of ministry and mission. His whole presentation focused on how we have decentralized community and no longer love our neighbours. In today's society, the home is no longer the center of our communities. Back in the day, the neighbourhood was the place of community and fellowship, and now we don't even know our neighbours.

This hit me in the face. I really want to be on mission in my neighbourhood, but I am extremely horrible at it. I have talked to my neighbours, but I don't really know them. I haven't tried to have my neighbours over for dinner, I haven't reached out to my neighbours, I haven't shared the Gospel with my neighbours. I have failed at community within my neighbourhood. I have failed at loving my neighbours. I have removed the people who live close to me from who I consider neighbours.

Father, put in me a deep desire to honor you by loving my neighbour. Help me to live as Christ and not care about anything else in this life. Teach me to love.

Good vs. Great

I had a discussion with a great friend of mine and I thought I'd share a little bit about what we decided.
He had brought up the idea of good vs. great a couple of months ago when talking about songwriting. He said that if we as songwriters get stuck on something good, like a good melody or a good guitar line, we will never find what is great. He was telling me that if I like a song and have something good, to throw it out and write something great. I took the principle and applied it to life as a Christian. So many times I settle for good when God offers me great. Let me explain what I mean. As a follower of Jesus, I have offered to me the greatness of knowing God. He reveals himself to me as I love and serve him and that is his desire for my life. John 17:3 says that eternal life is knowing God. The Bible says that God desires to give us abundant life, which is knowing God and walking in His grace and mercy and getting to be a part of His greatness and glory. As a weak, small little man, I often trade knowing God for doing good. I determine that rather than sinking into God and who he is, I will just be good and do the right things. That's fine, but it's not what God wants for me. He wants me to know Him and to walk everyday in his love and mercy. He wants me to delight in Him and in return he will give me the desires of my heart. He wants me to draw near to him and in return he will draw near to me. He wants his grace to be enough in my life, so that I don't need anything else.
We were applying this concept to our local church. How often we settle for good: nice Sunday morning service, good music, we look good from the outside, we are morally good, we dress up, we are growing in numbers a little bit, we have a few baptisms a year, occasionally a small group will get too big and have to split; when God wants GREAT for His church: people coming into the family daily, the love among us to be so great that people come into our body in droves, the city we live in to be changed by our love for God and his love for us, transformation in the lives of the church, the name of Jesus to be proclaimed boldly and gracefully, a deep and passionate love for the lost that Jesus' name might br praised louder in Killeen. We sacrifice going after greatness for staying in goodness. I'm not saying we're not doing things right, because we are doing somethings right. I'm just saying I want more. I want to have to plant churches all over Killeen because we can't find a building big enough to house all the new believers. I want the city of Killeen to be known for its love for Jesus. I want every new soldier that comes into Fort Hood to be totally and completely loved by this community. I want Killeen to grow because everyone wants to be a part of this community of love. I want God to be glorified and praised in everything we do.
Why settle for good when God wants great?