Not on my own

Sometimes life seems like a game. I fight and fight to get ahead, then something happens that takes everything I fought for and I start all over again. I then dust myself off, clean myself off, and go at it again. The same thing happens again. I have tried and tried to figure this thing out but for some reason I can't. When I view life through the lens of my own glory and refuse to see the world like Christ wants me to see it, I repeatedly fail at life. It seems like some people are gifted at getting on top of life, but I am not one of them.
I think my problem lies not in my methods, but in my goals. I battle with myself, going from living life for me to living life for God and then back again. When I seek my own gain, my main desire seems to be money. Not for the sake of having money, but so that I can provide for my family. When it seems like I am getting close to reaching this goal, God reminds me that this life is lived for His glory and not my own, so either He pulls my feet out from under me, or I sabotage myself and go the opposite direction. I then find myself in some awesome God-time, walking closely with Him. Life feels great. Unfortunately, this doesn't last long. I'll get a bill that I don't think I can pay, and then I'm back in the rat race again, trying to plan ways to make money.
I had breakfast today with my pastor and realized what I need. I need to die to myself and let Christ rule in me. I need to realize that I have been bought with the price of Christ's blood and I am now the property of an awesome God who gives more joy than any earthly thing can bring. I need to let go of the things of this world and cling to my Saviour with everything I have. The only problem is, I can't do it on my own. I need God to do it for me. I am so helpless and I love it.
Praise God for loving me enough to do everything for me so that His name might praised and His glory might be made known in my life.
I know this is kinda rambling, but that's what a blog is for :)